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  • advicefromhell 12:00 pm on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Cannabis, Drugs, , , , , Puff the Magic Dragon, Sibling   

    Get Out! 

     

    Dear Doc,

    My brother, 23, is a college grad living at home with my parents. He works the night shift at a mental health facility — a job he finds unfulfilling, though he has made no motions to improve his situation. He has said he wants to move out, but he cannot afford his own place.
    His girlfriend is unemployed (taking a few classes) and has a drug problem (marijuana), and a few months ago, she decided she is now a resident of my parents’ household. She sleeps over every night, very rarely leaves, and sits in lil’ bro’s room, wearing his clothes, stoned, waiting for him to come home from work. Her mother has even started to leave food in our refrigerator for her (her parents live nearby). She has never asked my parents if this is OK. Really — who does that?
    My mother is very uncomfortable with this unwanted, permanent houseguest. However, she is sympathetic to my brother’s plight as one of the many underpaid, overworked college grads living with parents. I feel this situation is inappropriate, uncomfortable and unhealthy — my mother agrees, but is at a loss as to how to confront my brother and this girl without stomping on his nascent adulthood and causing a huge fight. What on earth should she do??

    Signed,

    Get Out!

    Dear Get Out!,

    First things first, “Who the hell died and made you boss?” Please tell me that you don’t also live with your parents and are just vying for more room or less female competition in the house. If you do, please contact your brother’s employer and have them reserve a room for you there. If he’s content to work with our population’s mentally ill, cut him some slack if he seems to lack the driving motivation to seek a higher paying job.

    Now let’s talk girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. One who is at least attempting to further her own education. One who is happy being with your brother. One who presumably, by way of sleeping over every night, makes your brother happy in return. One who is probably a much-needed respite from the stresses of his job, and from the sound of it, from the stresses of being your brother. If she has had to move in with her boyfriend’s parents, and listen to the likes of you, she probably deserves to Puff the Magic Dragon while relaxing in some comfortable clothes. Her mother is bringing food over so that your family doesn’t incur any additional food costs. That said, you have a house that just anyone can walk into and access your kitchen, and your concern is that the person coming into your home is leaving food behind, as opposed to robbing you blind? Really? Who does that? Someone who understands the plight of a munchie eating daughter, that’s who!

    So your mother is so amazingly uncomfortable with the girlfriend’s presence in the house, despite the fact that she is making her son happy, and is indirectly providing her own food, that she says and does absolutely nothing about it? Why don’t you have your mother grow a pair and speak up or shut up! She wants to confront your brother and his girlfriend, without any actual confrontation? Get in line sweet cheeks! She may have to ruffle a few feathers to get the fox, pun intended, out of her hen-house. Or she could remain weak and play victim to her own daughter in hopes that her daughter will come clean up a mess she’s afraid to take responsibility for. Oh, no, wait, that’s what it sounds like she already did.

    Now let me make some quick pointers for you to consider going forward. “Taking a few classes” doesn’t always allow for full-time or even part-time employment, so shut up about that! Don’t ever use “has a drug problem” in correlation with marijuana. Better yet, why don’t you calm your tight corn hole down and pick up a nice cathartic “drug problem” yourself. The world will thank you. Next, no one, and I mean no one with an I.Q. over 80 uses the phrase, “lil’ bro’s room” in good conscience.

    That said, I’m glad I could help advise you in this sensitive and delicate family matter.

    Good Day Madam!

    Sincerely,

    Doc Dover

    P.S.  Seriously, go get some Bob Marley records, a bag of weed, and relax. No, seriously…right now!

     

     
  • advicefromhell 6:00 pm on June 13, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Great Depression, , Heart Attack, Heart disease, Lancet, Myocardial infarction, Prohibition, University College London   

    For Real 

     

    Dear Doc Dover,

    My conservative, mid-80s grandma literally had a heart attack the day she learned I am gay and marrying my partner. This sounds like sitcom fare, but it isn’t. I know there’s some reason I shouldn’t feel as guilty as everyone is causing me to feel, but I figure you’ll be able to articulate it better than I could.

    Thank you,

    For Real.

    Dear For Real,

    First things first, anyone over age 80 pretty much gets a free pass to do whatever the *fudge* that they want, without repercussions. This is a general unwritten law of our culture. When old people get to a certain age, they generally stop making excuses for being who they are, regardless of whether “who they are” fits nicely in a politically correct package with a cultural sensitivity bow on it or not. They start driving at whatever speed, direction, lane that they feel necessary and expect the rest of the world to say, “Hey, you’ve managed to survive life on this planet without killing yourself, or being killed by someone else this long…go right on ahead and we’ll wait and make room for you.” They start sharing their true feelings about their own family, politics, religion, as well as much too candid word pictures of what is going on within and without their physical bodies and in-depth reviews of the multiple ointments, balms, salves, oils, pastes, and the like that they use to treat them.

    Secondly, and this follows closely with the prior, as old people are…well…OLD, they tend to have several factors that all combine to produce a higher than average probability of having physical things, ie. heart attacks, start to hit them at will. So please don’t think so highly of yourself and your assumed worth to your grandmother as to feel that sharing this one piece of information was such a powerful revelation to her, that it would offset the rhythm of a heart that was strong enough to endure The Great Depression, Prohibition, and WWII.

    Thirdly, are you male or female? If you’re male, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If you’re female, are you what society would deem “attractive?” If you’re not, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If you are what society would deem “attractive,” is your partner equally or more so, “attractive” that is. If your partner is not, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If your partner is also “attractive,” society at large would say that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Point of fact, I have several contemporaries and colleagues who would like to speak with your further about your inclusion, as a couple of course, in a documentary of sorts. They assure me that it would be very high brow, nothing like the artless drivel you’d find in your so named sitcom fare.

    Most of the world’s major religious systems show no love to the gay, lesbian, or otherwise homosexual lifestyle as it were. Barring the specific example mentioned above, and the occasional use as comic relief, our American culture shares this distaste for your lifestyle. That said, if you have no plans of making your way into heaven, paradise, nirvana, or what ever your personal belief system’s “happy place” is after you die, then I wouldn’t sweat it. However if you find yourself on the opposite side of that coin, I would recommend renouncing your so-called “gay” lifestyle, repent for your past failures, and hope that whatever deity that you serve will show mercy on your soul, and send you a very masculine, domineering, husky, burly, woman to call your very own until death do you part.

    I hope that my carefully crafted response has brought solace, or conviction to your troubled heart.

    If you’ve decided to give up on your “gay” thing, Go With God!

    If you’ve decided to stick it out, pardon the pun, Going With God might be very uncomfortable for a very, very, very long time.

    I hope that I was able to articulate it better than you could as you predicted. If not, your odds of being a prophet are looking extremely slim as well.

    Yours in Love, Acceptance, Condemnation, and Hate,

    Doc Ben Dover

     

     
  • advicefromhell 12:00 pm on September 21, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: 14th Dalai Lama, China, Dalai Lama, Garlic, Girlfriend, Hollywood, Howard Beale, Tibet   

    Need to E-scape 

    Doc Dover,

    I hate my girlfriend’s best friend, “E.” The reasons are complicated and go back a while. “E” spends a lot of time with us, both in and out of our home. I have asked my girlfriend to scale back the amount of company we have in general (that was as close as I felt comfortable to saying, “Don’t invite E over anymore”) and she has done that, so I don’t know what else I can say. My girlfriend and “E” have been like sisters for about 15 years. I know I have to accept that E is part of our extended family.
    I can’t fit the reasons into a couple of paragraphs, so I’ll stick to the main stuff.
    She is very jealous of my girlfriend’s and my time together and does everything possible to discredit our relationship. She doesn’t like white guys (which I am) and feels her closeness to my girlfriend entitles her to say whatever she wants about me, including barbs about my race and gender. She is generally fake-nice to me but quickly attacks when she thinks I am disrespecting her friend.
    She also dated a close friend of mine, then cheated on him and really broke his heart.
    My girlfriend is the less assertive one in the relationship, so she is always the one to capitulate.
    Do I just suck it up and learn to like her?

    Dear Need to E-scape,

    Firstly, let me share my utter disdain for anyone who goes by a singe initial, rather than their name. Unless her name is E Coli or E Pluribus Unum, or her name rhymes with a taboo body part or an STD, she and anyone else willing to support this ‘letter for a name’ idea should be taken to a remote area and shot, then fed to the hogs. That said, it sounds like this ‘E’ is a real pain in the ‘A.’ I can understand being close with family and friends, but even biological siblings need time apart from one another to keep from killing each other. The fact that you have accepted as fact that this gal is in it for the long haul, and are willing to accept her as part of your extended family is a positive step toward a peaceful coexistence with her, plus it will appear as you are making an effort to resolve tension in this situation in your girlfriend’s eyes. Kudos and Bonus Point +1.

    As I see it you have two options, which you have briefly touched on in your plea for help. Option one is to ‘suck it up and learn to like her’ as you say. His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso The Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet would probably agree with this option and spout some crap about building bridges toward inward and outward harmony, but you didn’t write to the umpteenth Son of the Lama, you wrote to me. So, this really boils down to a simple question, “Are you willing to forfeit your relationship with your girlfriend, along with your ever-shrinking testicles and pride, to this lying, cheating, scheming, sexist, racist whore?” If the answer is yes, drop this girlfriend of yours, and pick up what’s left of your manhood, content in the fact that you never have to interact with someone who uses a letter for a name again. However, if the answer is no, sack up and tell this ‘E’ and your girlfriend, in the words of Howard Beale, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Now I don’t know if others will open their respective windows and join your rant or not, but at least you will have expressed yourself plainly, clearly, and albeit a bit cliché, stylistically to those who need to hear it. It’s anyone’s guess how your girlfriend or this ‘E’ will respond to such a tactic, but if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that it will be memorable, and life changing. Oh, Hollywood has also taught us that going into a situation like this with a loaded shotgun slightly improves your odds of being taken seriously…just a thought.

    Sincerely Yours,

    ‘B’

     
  • advicefromhell 12:00 pm on May 27, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: chatroom, Christmas, Logitech, Microsoft, Peripheral, Skype, Videotelephony, Webcam   

    Webcam Mistake 

    Doc Dover,

    I bought my parents a webcam for Christmas. Big mistake, as it turns out the only person they want to video chat with is me. They expect to be able to reach me just about every night. They’re the type where there will be consequences if I don’t cooperate. Any suggestions?

    Dear Webcam Mistake,

    I would agree that purchasing new(er) technology, whether it be a BD player, DVD player, Color TV, CD player, much less computer peripherals, is a great gift idea for the techno-challenged. I would also have to agree that you need to take the cost of lifetime tech support and add it into the overall gift price. You have a few options, however, in dealing with the nightly YOU broadcast requirement.

    You could kill two birds with one stone by taking out this new-found frustration on your own webcam, thereby relieving your overall stress, and providing an acceptable excuse for being unavailable to video chat every evening. You can cheaply replace the webcam in the future if you need it for actual business. Plus this gives you a physical object to use as proof/defense. You can then tell them that your webcam is broken and you haven’t fixed it yet, with little to no guilt.

    You could pay a third world worker to take on the task of speaking to them on your behalf. For a few cents on the dollar and a quick personality overview, this is probably not the cheapest option, but an option nonetheless.

    Depending on the cultural sensitivities of your parents, you could just invite a few college aged coeds to take part in a graphic performance art piece in the background during one of your chats. Make sure to mention that you’ve allowed them to use the room as a creative space indefinitely, while implying that this was one of their more tasteful performances. Or simply insist on chatting nude, while occasionally standing up to get a drink, stretch your legs, or even scratch an irritant itch. This is more effective if your nether regions are fully exposed in near HD quality resolution for several seconds at a time, while continuing to talk so as to keep their attention fixed on the screen.

    There’s a saying that goes something like, “If you don’t want to do something forever, do it extremely poorly once.” There is wisdom in this approach as, if you were to have numerous technical difficulties, such as intermittent microphone failure, camera focus issues, or audio to picture sync problems, they will cease to want to sit through the agony of the chat session. If you are a technically savvy individual that should know how to correct these types of issues, go old school and have friends call you constantly, drop by to ask questions, or any other form of non-virtual distraction or interruption.

    I hope these few brief suggestions are enough to get you thinking down the right path. Hopefully you won’t wake up with a severed horse head in your bed the next morning, but if you do, I will disavow any knowledge that this issue was ever addressed and direct you to my team of highly skilled attorneys.

    With clever regards,

    Doc Dover

     
  • advicefromhell 2:49 pm on April 29, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Chris Zylka, Danielle Panabaker, Gary Busey, Meagan Tandy, Passive–aggressive behavior, Waste, Wildlife rehabilitation, Work ethic   

    Bushed 

    Dear Doc,

    I am Tired of Co-Workers Who Do Not Carry Their Load. Why is it that some people refuse to carry their load at work? You know the type, they can waste more time doing nothing, or they are always going on break or making a phone call. Why do some people get away with goofing off? I am tired of carrying the load and doing the work so that I can get off work at a decent time. What can we do?

    Dear Bushed,

    Believe you me that we have all been in this spot before, whether it was a group project in elementary school or in our adult workplace. Let’s just walk through each question one by one. Some people refuse to carry their load at work for a variety of reasons. It could simply be because they do get away with it. If I can do nothing and get paid for doing something, where do I sign? It could also be a passive aggressive way of balancing low respect or wages against what they feel their time is worth. Trust me, I do know the type very well. People get away with goofing off because of enabling folks like you. The harder you work to cover their failure to work, the easier and more validated their inaction becomes. Now, what can ‘we’ do? Please tell me that the stress and mental anguish caused by this situation hasn’t caused you to develop multiple personalities, because that is a whole separate issue. What you can do is confront these able slackers and give them an ultimatum. Share with them how upset you are with the current arrangement and also how quickly you can dig a 6 foot hole for each and every one of them that continues to sit idly by while you carry the bulk of the workload. If they think this is an empty threat, you may have to take one of them out, just to set the mood for further negotiations. This is typically more effective if the act itself is witnessed by the other offending parties. A side note, sometimes your locale can help with making the point that you refuse to be walked on, as well as with the disposal of the said example coworker. Do you live near an alligator ranch, or perhaps a hog farm, a piranha hatchery, a wildlife rescue, a military bomb test site, a nuclear waste dump, a car crushing yard, an industrial pottery kiln, etc. I could go on, but I trust you see my point. If this display of unabashed disgust for their work ethic fails to get the results you desire, you may need to discuss the situation with management and your HR department.

    Thanks for your letter,

    Doc Dover

     
  • advicefromhell 4:06 pm on April 1, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Languages, Latin, Linguistics, Natural, , Social Sciences, STD   

    I have been getting emails asking what kind of Doc that I am. I have 3 doctorate degrees, as follows with their respective Latin etymological terms. DD (Douchebaggis Doctor), DBS (Taurus Fecius Doctor), and STD (Morbus Veneris Doctor).

     
  • advicefromhell 2:28 pm on April 1, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Fathers, , Jill, Jill Pole, Parenting,   

    Stuck 

    Dear Doc,

    I have been dating this girl I’ll call her Jane for about 2 years now…. shes really sweet but she doesnt like to come with me to see my family she only likes to go see her family. Now she did have a fight with my dad a while back, but my dad doesn’t care about it at all and he has resolved it. For about a month i’ve been thinking of breaking up with her because of that. I want a girl that likes my family and she clearly doesn’t. But, everytime i go to break up with her i can’t, I don’t know why either, maybe because she crys in front of me when i talk about leaving she says she loves me but she has a funny way of showing it and i dont think she really loves me like she says……now a week ago an old friend came back to town from the navy we will call her Jill, and it stired up old feelings we had for each other…. and I’ve never felt this way about a girl before. I really want to be with her. and she wants to be with me. But i feel that im cutting Jane short of her chance, but i also feel that if i don’t break up with her that I’m missing Jill a once and life time chance. I am so confused and don’t know what I should do at all. Can you give me your advice on this one??? I’m really lost, and I’m normally not like this, i normally know what I want.

    Sincerely,

    Stuck

    Dear Stuck,

    It sounds to me that you’re not as lost as you think, and that you know exactly what you want. It’s commonly referred to as “having your cake and eating it, too.” That said, it’s not always impossible, however it is fairly implausible. You have an established relationship with Girl A which is mostly comfortable, yet you want the excitement of dating Girl B as it is new and refreshing. I have several questions that come to mind when reading through your email, not the least of which are related to why other countries educate their citizens to master multiple languages while ours fails to properly instill the basic rules of our one language into its own. Have you ever asked her why she doesn’t like your family? If her reasons are legit, ie accusations of rape against your father perhaps, it might be a good thing to let that ship sail. Now the fact that you can’t muster the [insert slang for male genitalia here] to break up with Girl A simply because she starts to cry, that is your own weakness and overall failure to man up to the task at hand. Own it, or live with the consequences of your miserable failure. Girl B from the Navy sounds interesting and exciting, and if the old stereotype holds true, is probably an ace in the sack. That said, you don’t get to be that exciting, interesting, or skilled in the bedroom overnight, pardon the pun. That takes time, experience, and most likely a laundry list of random guys lying in her wake. Also disturbing is that you mentioned that you had “never felt this way about a girl before,” implying that you have felt this way about a boy. If that is the case no amount of opinion/advice columns can help you out of that one. That’s a whole new barrel of craziness and I’ve seen a rainbow variety of parades to prove it.

    The way I see it you have 3 basic options. Option 1 is to allow the time you’ve spent with Girl A outweigh the discomfort regarding your family, and the possible wild and crazy times you could be having with Girl B. Option 2 is to pitch history, and Girl A, behind you and march ‘once more unto the breach’ with Navy Girl B, enjoying the excitement of the unknown as it comes. Option 3 seems a bit seedy, and honestly way out of your league, but you could attempt to see them both at the same time. With or without their joint knowledge or consent, it could be an exciting ride while it lasts. This option does tend to end badly, most notably with one or multiple deaths, the removal or defamation of genitals, or the joining/creating of cult. Now there is a hypothetical Option 4, being deciding that men are more up your alley, pardon the pun once again, in which case my only advice is DON’T DO IT, and if you must do it, don’t run for office or become a television evangelist.

    I hope I have adequately answered your inquiries.

    With kindest of regards,

    Doc Dover

     
  • advicefromhell 2:35 pm on March 29, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Daughter, , , , Husband, , ,   

    Afraid to Tell 

    dear doc dover,

    i am married with one daughter, and my husband works for the government. he works long hours, about 12-14 hours a day. he is home with us on weekends and most holidays, but he gives almost all of his time to our daughter and rarely spends any time alone with me. it has been like this for almost 11 years now. about a year and a half ago a friend from work invited me and my daughter to a birthday party and I stayed to help clean up while the kids went with the other parents to an indoor playground across town. well i hate to admit it, but we kissed. after that we found every opportunity to see each other and have been sexually active ever since then. when i went for my yearly female exam i was given the news that i now have contracted an std. it is treatable, but my husband has been on vacation for the last few weeks and i am afraid that i may have given it to him and if i have he will surely figure out that i have been cheating on him. what should i do?

    Dear Afraid To Tell,

    First, let me congratulate you on being married and raising a daughter. Next, let me congratulate you on having the good fortune of finding a husband who is willing to work long hours for the government so that you don’t have to work, giving you plenty of free time to gather up STDs in numbers that will surely dwarf the mere 57 varieties that the Heinz company has managed to collect over the years.

    Now for my advice. For the sake of your daughter, don’t discuss any of this crap with your husband (or anyone else for that matter) while she is around. Find someone to babysit your daughter and take your husband out for a nice steak dinner. Drop the truth in his lap during the meal, he’s less likely to leave the conversation if the food is really good. Without going into graphic detail, explain which STD you managed to pick up from this other genius and how it can be cured/treated/removed from your body as well as his.

    If your husband chooses to stay with you after this little trip to happy town, he is either a keeper, or he has also been cheating on you while away and has contracted worse bits of bliss than you. In either case, make sure that you both are willing participants in this crazy lifestyle before you continue down this path. If you are both consenting adults to this kind of reckless behavior, then you both deserve each other, and your daughter deserves better than either or both of you combined.

    Send your daughter away to live with friends or family, namely ones with a better moral compass than either of the two of you, and hope and pray that she makes it to her 18th birthday before learning what a gem of a mom she had.

    Thanks for the letter.

    With kind regards,

    Doc Dover

     
  • advicefromhell 8:49 pm on March 21, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , advicecolumn, Dear Abby, , IPhone, Mental health, ,   

    just opened the new advice column site for business. come join the fun. ask the questions you were afraid to ask.

     
  • advicefromhell 7:14 pm on March 21, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Dover, Ear, England, , Kent, ,   

    Ears, Eyes, Mouth and Mind…Open for Business! 

    Welcome to AdviceFromHell, an online opinion/advice column hosted by yours truly, Doc Benjamin Dover!

    Feel free ask me any question on any topic and I will respond with my honest opinion/advice based on my personal experience.

    No topic is taboo, no question off limits.

    I am here for your questions, concerns, raves and rants.

    Let the inquisition begin!

    Doc Dover

     
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