Need to E-scape

Doc Dover,

I hate my girlfriend’s best friend, “E.” The reasons are complicated and go back a while. “E” spends a lot of time with us, both in and out of our home. I have asked my girlfriend to scale back the amount of company we have in general (that was as close as I felt comfortable to saying, “Don’t invite E over anymore”) and she has done that, so I don’t know what else I can say. My girlfriend and “E” have been like sisters for about 15 years. I know I have to accept that E is part of our extended family.
I can’t fit the reasons into a couple of paragraphs, so I’ll stick to the main stuff.
She is very jealous of my girlfriend’s and my time together and does everything possible to discredit our relationship. She doesn’t like white guys (which I am) and feels her closeness to my girlfriend entitles her to say whatever she wants about me, including barbs about my race and gender. She is generally fake-nice to me but quickly attacks when she thinks I am disrespecting her friend.
She also dated a close friend of mine, then cheated on him and really broke his heart.
My girlfriend is the less assertive one in the relationship, so she is always the one to capitulate.
Do I just suck it up and learn to like her?

Dear Need to E-scape,

Firstly, let me share my utter disdain for anyone who goes by a singe initial, rather than their name. Unless her name is E Coli or E Pluribus Unum, or her name rhymes with a taboo body part or an STD, she and anyone else willing to support this ‘letter for a name’ idea should be taken to a remote area and shot, then fed to the hogs. That said, it sounds like this ‘E’ is a real pain in the ‘A.’ I can understand being close with family and friends, but even biological siblings need time apart from one another to keep from killing each other. The fact that you have accepted as fact that this gal is in it for the long haul, and are willing to accept her as part of your extended family is a positive step toward a peaceful coexistence with her, plus it will appear as you are making an effort to resolve tension in this situation in your girlfriend’s eyes. Kudos and Bonus Point +1.

As I see it you have two options, which you have briefly touched on in your plea for help. Option one is to ‘suck it up and learn to like her’ as you say. His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso The Fourteenth Dalai Lama of Tibet would probably agree with this option and spout some crap about building bridges toward inward and outward harmony, but you didn’t write to the umpteenth Son of the Lama, you wrote to me. So, this really boils down to a simple question, “Are you willing to forfeit your relationship with your girlfriend, along with your ever-shrinking testicles and pride, to this lying, cheating, scheming, sexist, racist whore?” If the answer is yes, drop this girlfriend of yours, and pick up what’s left of your manhood, content in the fact that you never have to interact with someone who uses a letter for a name again. However, if the answer is no, sack up and tell this ‘E’ and your girlfriend, in the words of Howard Beale, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Now I don’t know if others will open their respective windows and join your rant or not, but at least you will have expressed yourself plainly, clearly, and albeit a bit cliché, stylistically to those who need to hear it. It’s anyone’s guess how your girlfriend or this ‘E’ will respond to such a tactic, but if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that it will be memorable, and life changing. Oh, Hollywood has also taught us that going into a situation like this with a loaded shotgun slightly improves your odds of being taken seriously…just a thought.

Sincerely Yours,