Afraid to Tell

dear doc dover,

i am married with one daughter, and my husband works for the government. he works long hours, about 12-14 hours a day. he is home with us on weekends and most holidays, but he gives almost all of his time to our daughter and rarely spends any time alone with me. it has been like this for almost 11 years now. about a year and a half ago a friend from work invited me and my daughter to a birthday party and I stayed to help clean up while the kids went with the other parents to an indoor playground across town. well i hate to admit it, but we kissed. after that we found every opportunity to see each other and have been sexually active ever since then. when i went for my yearly female exam i was given the news that i now have contracted an std. it is treatable, but my husband has been on vacation for the last few weeks and i am afraid that i may have given it to him and if i have he will surely figure out that i have been cheating on him. what should i do?

Dear Afraid To Tell,

First, let me congratulate you on being married and raising a daughter. Next, let me congratulate you on having the good fortune of finding a husband who is willing to work long hours for the government so that you don’t have to work, giving you plenty of free time to gather up STDs in numbers that will surely dwarf the mere 57 varieties that the Heinz company has managed to collect over the years.

Now for my advice. For the sake of your daughter, don’t discuss any of this crap with your husband (or anyone else for that matter) while she is around. Find someone to babysit your daughter and take your husband out for a nice steak dinner. Drop the truth in his lap during the meal, he’s less likely to leave the conversation if the food is really good. Without going into graphic detail, explain which STD you managed to pick up from this other genius and how it can be cured/treated/removed from your body as well as his.

If your husband chooses to stay with you after this little trip to happy town, he is either a keeper, or he has also been cheating on you while away and has contracted worse bits of bliss than you. In either case, make sure that you both are willing participants in this crazy lifestyle before you continue down this path. If you are both consenting adults to this kind of reckless behavior, then you both deserve each other, and your daughter deserves better than either or both of you combined.

Send your daughter away to live with friends or family, namely ones with a better moral compass than either of the two of you, and hope and pray that she makes it to her 18th birthday before learning what a gem of a mom she had.

Thanks for the letter.

With kind regards,

Doc Dover