Get Out!


Dear Doc,

My brother, 23, is a college grad living at home with my parents. He works the night shift at a mental health facility — a job he finds unfulfilling, though he has made no motions to improve his situation. He has said he wants to move out, but he cannot afford his own place.
His girlfriend is unemployed (taking a few classes) and has a drug problem (marijuana), and a few months ago, she decided she is now a resident of my parents’ household. She sleeps over every night, very rarely leaves, and sits in lil’ bro’s room, wearing his clothes, stoned, waiting for him to come home from work. Her mother has even started to leave food in our refrigerator for her (her parents live nearby). She has never asked my parents if this is OK. Really — who does that?
My mother is very uncomfortable with this unwanted, permanent houseguest. However, she is sympathetic to my brother’s plight as one of the many underpaid, overworked college grads living with parents. I feel this situation is inappropriate, uncomfortable and unhealthy — my mother agrees, but is at a loss as to how to confront my brother and this girl without stomping on his nascent adulthood and causing a huge fight. What on earth should she do??


Get Out!

Dear Get Out!,

First things first, “Who the hell died and made you boss?” Please tell me that you don’t also live with your parents and are just vying for more room or less female competition in the house. If you do, please contact your brother’s employer and have them reserve a room for you there. If he’s content to work with our population’s mentally ill, cut him some slack if he seems to lack the driving motivation to seek a higher paying job.

Now let’s talk girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. One who is at least attempting to further her own education. One who is happy being with your brother. One who presumably, by way of sleeping over every night, makes your brother happy in return. One who is probably a much-needed respite from the stresses of his job, and from the sound of it, from the stresses of being your brother. If she has had to move in with her boyfriend’s parents, and listen to the likes of you, she probably deserves to Puff the Magic Dragon while relaxing in some comfortable clothes. Her mother is bringing food over so that your family doesn’t incur any additional food costs. That said, you have a house that just anyone can walk into and access your kitchen, and your concern is that the person coming into your home is leaving food behind, as opposed to robbing you blind? Really? Who does that? Someone who understands the plight of a munchie eating daughter, that’s who!

So your mother is so amazingly uncomfortable with the girlfriend’s presence in the house, despite the fact that she is making her son happy, and is indirectly providing her own food, that she says and does absolutely nothing about it? Why don’t you have your mother grow a pair and speak up or shut up! She wants to confront your brother and his girlfriend, without any actual confrontation? Get in line sweet cheeks! She may have to ruffle a few feathers to get the fox, pun intended, out of her hen-house. Or she could remain weak and play victim to her own daughter in hopes that her daughter will come clean up a mess she’s afraid to take responsibility for. Oh, no, wait, that’s what it sounds like she already did.

Now let me make some quick pointers for you to consider going forward. “Taking a few classes” doesn’t always allow for full-time or even part-time employment, so shut up about that! Don’t ever use “has a drug problem” in correlation with marijuana. Better yet, why don’t you calm your tight corn hole down and pick up a nice cathartic “drug problem” yourself. The world will thank you. Next, no one, and I mean no one with an I.Q. over 80 uses the phrase, “lil’ bro’s room” in good conscience.

That said, I’m glad I could help advise you in this sensitive and delicate family matter.

Good Day Madam!


Doc Dover

P.S.  Seriously, go get some Bob Marley records, a bag of weed, and relax. No, seriously…right now!