For Real


Dear Doc Dover,

My conservative, mid-80s grandma literally had a heart attack the day she learned I am gay and marrying my partner. This sounds like sitcom fare, but it isn’t. I know there’s some reason I shouldn’t feel as guilty as everyone is causing me to feel, but I figure you’ll be able to articulate it better than I could.

Thank you,

For Real.

Dear For Real,

First things first, anyone over age 80 pretty much gets a free pass to do whatever the *fudge* that they want, without repercussions. This is a general unwritten law of our culture. When old people get to a certain age, they generally stop making excuses for being who they are, regardless of whether “who they are” fits nicely in a politically correct package with a cultural sensitivity bow on it or not. They start driving at whatever speed, direction, lane that they feel necessary and expect the rest of the world to say, “Hey, you’ve managed to survive life on this planet without killing yourself, or being killed by someone else this long…go right on ahead and we’ll wait and make room for you.” They start sharing their true feelings about their own family, politics, religion, as well as much too candid word pictures of what is going on within and without their physical bodies and in-depth reviews of the multiple ointments, balms, salves, oils, pastes, and the like that they use to treat them.

Secondly, and this follows closely with the prior, as old people are…well…OLD, they tend to have several factors that all combine to produce a higher than average probability of having physical things, ie. heart attacks, start to hit them at will. So please don’t think so highly of yourself and your assumed worth to your grandmother as to feel that sharing this one piece of information was such a powerful revelation to her, that it would offset the rhythm of a heart that was strong enough to endure The Great Depression, Prohibition, and WWII.

Thirdly, are you male or female? If you’re male, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If you’re female, are you what society would deem “attractive?” If you’re not, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If you are what society would deem “attractive,” is your partner equally or more so, “attractive” that is. If your partner is not, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If your partner is also “attractive,” society at large would say that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Point of fact, I have several contemporaries and colleagues who would like to speak with your further about your inclusion, as a couple of course, in a documentary of sorts. They assure me that it would be very high brow, nothing like the artless drivel you’d find in your so named sitcom fare.

Most of the world’s major religious systems show no love to the gay, lesbian, or otherwise homosexual lifestyle as it were. Barring the specific example mentioned above, and the occasional use as comic relief, our American culture shares this distaste for your lifestyle. That said, if you have no plans of making your way into heaven, paradise, nirvana, or what ever your personal belief system’s “happy place” is after you die, then I wouldn’t sweat it. However if you find yourself on the opposite side of that coin, I would recommend renouncing your so-called “gay” lifestyle, repent for your past failures, and hope that whatever deity that you serve will show mercy on your soul, and send you a very masculine, domineering, husky, burly, woman to call your very own until death do you part.

I hope that my carefully crafted response has brought solace, or conviction to your troubled heart.

If you’ve decided to give up on your “gay” thing, Go With God!

If you’ve decided to stick it out, pardon the pun, Going With God might be very uncomfortable for a very, very, very long time.

I hope that I was able to articulate it better than you could as you predicted. If not, your odds of being a prophet are looking extremely slim as well.

Yours in Love, Acceptance, Condemnation, and Hate,

Doc Ben Dover