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  • advicefromhell 12:00 pm on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Cannabis, Drugs, Family, , , , Puff the Magic Dragon, Sibling   

    Get Out! 


    Dear Doc,

    My brother, 23, is a college grad living at home with my parents. He works the night shift at a mental health facility — a job he finds unfulfilling, though he has made no motions to improve his situation. He has said he wants to move out, but he cannot afford his own place.
    His girlfriend is unemployed (taking a few classes) and has a drug problem (marijuana), and a few months ago, she decided she is now a resident of my parents’ household. She sleeps over every night, very rarely leaves, and sits in lil’ bro’s room, wearing his clothes, stoned, waiting for him to come home from work. Her mother has even started to leave food in our refrigerator for her (her parents live nearby). She has never asked my parents if this is OK. Really — who does that?
    My mother is very uncomfortable with this unwanted, permanent houseguest. However, she is sympathetic to my brother’s plight as one of the many underpaid, overworked college grads living with parents. I feel this situation is inappropriate, uncomfortable and unhealthy — my mother agrees, but is at a loss as to how to confront my brother and this girl without stomping on his nascent adulthood and causing a huge fight. What on earth should she do??


    Get Out!

    Dear Get Out!,

    First things first, “Who the hell died and made you boss?” Please tell me that you don’t also live with your parents and are just vying for more room or less female competition in the house. If you do, please contact your brother’s employer and have them reserve a room for you there. If he’s content to work with our population’s mentally ill, cut him some slack if he seems to lack the driving motivation to seek a higher paying job.

    Now let’s talk girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. One who is at least attempting to further her own education. One who is happy being with your brother. One who presumably, by way of sleeping over every night, makes your brother happy in return. One who is probably a much-needed respite from the stresses of his job, and from the sound of it, from the stresses of being your brother. If she has had to move in with her boyfriend’s parents, and listen to the likes of you, she probably deserves to Puff the Magic Dragon while relaxing in some comfortable clothes. Her mother is bringing food over so that your family doesn’t incur any additional food costs. That said, you have a house that just anyone can walk into and access your kitchen, and your concern is that the person coming into your home is leaving food behind, as opposed to robbing you blind? Really? Who does that? Someone who understands the plight of a munchie eating daughter, that’s who!

    So your mother is so amazingly uncomfortable with the girlfriend’s presence in the house, despite the fact that she is making her son happy, and is indirectly providing her own food, that she says and does absolutely nothing about it? Why don’t you have your mother grow a pair and speak up or shut up! She wants to confront your brother and his girlfriend, without any actual confrontation? Get in line sweet cheeks! She may have to ruffle a few feathers to get the fox, pun intended, out of her hen-house. Or she could remain weak and play victim to her own daughter in hopes that her daughter will come clean up a mess she’s afraid to take responsibility for. Oh, no, wait, that’s what it sounds like she already did.

    Now let me make some quick pointers for you to consider going forward. “Taking a few classes” doesn’t always allow for full-time or even part-time employment, so shut up about that! Don’t ever use “has a drug problem” in correlation with marijuana. Better yet, why don’t you calm your tight corn hole down and pick up a nice cathartic “drug problem” yourself. The world will thank you. Next, no one, and I mean no one with an I.Q. over 80 uses the phrase, “lil’ bro’s room” in good conscience.

    That said, I’m glad I could help advise you in this sensitive and delicate family matter.

    Good Day Madam!


    Doc Dover

    P.S.  Seriously, go get some Bob Marley records, a bag of weed, and relax. No, seriously…right now!


  • advicefromhell 2:28 pm on April 1, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Family, Fathers, , Jill, Jill Pole, Parenting,   


    Dear Doc,

    I have been dating this girl I’ll call her Jane for about 2 years now…. shes really sweet but she doesnt like to come with me to see my family she only likes to go see her family. Now she did have a fight with my dad a while back, but my dad doesn’t care about it at all and he has resolved it. For about a month i’ve been thinking of breaking up with her because of that. I want a girl that likes my family and she clearly doesn’t. But, everytime i go to break up with her i can’t, I don’t know why either, maybe because she crys in front of me when i talk about leaving she says she loves me but she has a funny way of showing it and i dont think she really loves me like she says……now a week ago an old friend came back to town from the navy we will call her Jill, and it stired up old feelings we had for each other…. and I’ve never felt this way about a girl before. I really want to be with her. and she wants to be with me. But i feel that im cutting Jane short of her chance, but i also feel that if i don’t break up with her that I’m missing Jill a once and life time chance. I am so confused and don’t know what I should do at all. Can you give me your advice on this one??? I’m really lost, and I’m normally not like this, i normally know what I want.



    Dear Stuck,

    It sounds to me that you’re not as lost as you think, and that you know exactly what you want. It’s commonly referred to as “having your cake and eating it, too.” That said, it’s not always impossible, however it is fairly implausible. You have an established relationship with Girl A which is mostly comfortable, yet you want the excitement of dating Girl B as it is new and refreshing. I have several questions that come to mind when reading through your email, not the least of which are related to why other countries educate their citizens to master multiple languages while ours fails to properly instill the basic rules of our one language into its own. Have you ever asked her why she doesn’t like your family? If her reasons are legit, ie accusations of rape against your father perhaps, it might be a good thing to let that ship sail. Now the fact that you can’t muster the [insert slang for male genitalia here] to break up with Girl A simply because she starts to cry, that is your own weakness and overall failure to man up to the task at hand. Own it, or live with the consequences of your miserable failure. Girl B from the Navy sounds interesting and exciting, and if the old stereotype holds true, is probably an ace in the sack. That said, you don’t get to be that exciting, interesting, or skilled in the bedroom overnight, pardon the pun. That takes time, experience, and most likely a laundry list of random guys lying in her wake. Also disturbing is that you mentioned that you had “never felt this way about a girl before,” implying that you have felt this way about a boy. If that is the case no amount of opinion/advice columns can help you out of that one. That’s a whole new barrel of craziness and I’ve seen a rainbow variety of parades to prove it.

    The way I see it you have 3 basic options. Option 1 is to allow the time you’ve spent with Girl A outweigh the discomfort regarding your family, and the possible wild and crazy times you could be having with Girl B. Option 2 is to pitch history, and Girl A, behind you and march ‘once more unto the breach’ with Navy Girl B, enjoying the excitement of the unknown as it comes. Option 3 seems a bit seedy, and honestly way out of your league, but you could attempt to see them both at the same time. With or without their joint knowledge or consent, it could be an exciting ride while it lasts. This option does tend to end badly, most notably with one or multiple deaths, the removal or defamation of genitals, or the joining/creating of cult. Now there is a hypothetical Option 4, being deciding that men are more up your alley, pardon the pun once again, in which case my only advice is DON’T DO IT, and if you must do it, don’t run for office or become a television evangelist.

    I hope I have adequately answered your inquiries.

    With kindest of regards,

    Doc Dover

  • advicefromhell 2:35 pm on March 29, 2011 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Daughter, Family, , , Husband, , ,   

    Afraid to Tell 

    dear doc dover,

    i am married with one daughter, and my husband works for the government. he works long hours, about 12-14 hours a day. he is home with us on weekends and most holidays, but he gives almost all of his time to our daughter and rarely spends any time alone with me. it has been like this for almost 11 years now. about a year and a half ago a friend from work invited me and my daughter to a birthday party and I stayed to help clean up while the kids went with the other parents to an indoor playground across town. well i hate to admit it, but we kissed. after that we found every opportunity to see each other and have been sexually active ever since then. when i went for my yearly female exam i was given the news that i now have contracted an std. it is treatable, but my husband has been on vacation for the last few weeks and i am afraid that i may have given it to him and if i have he will surely figure out that i have been cheating on him. what should i do?

    Dear Afraid To Tell,

    First, let me congratulate you on being married and raising a daughter. Next, let me congratulate you on having the good fortune of finding a husband who is willing to work long hours for the government so that you don’t have to work, giving you plenty of free time to gather up STDs in numbers that will surely dwarf the mere 57 varieties that the Heinz company has managed to collect over the years.

    Now for my advice. For the sake of your daughter, don’t discuss any of this crap with your husband (or anyone else for that matter) while she is around. Find someone to babysit your daughter and take your husband out for a nice steak dinner. Drop the truth in his lap during the meal, he’s less likely to leave the conversation if the food is really good. Without going into graphic detail, explain which STD you managed to pick up from this other genius and how it can be cured/treated/removed from your body as well as his.

    If your husband chooses to stay with you after this little trip to happy town, he is either a keeper, or he has also been cheating on you while away and has contracted worse bits of bliss than you. In either case, make sure that you both are willing participants in this crazy lifestyle before you continue down this path. If you are both consenting adults to this kind of reckless behavior, then you both deserve each other, and your daughter deserves better than either or both of you combined.

    Send your daughter away to live with friends or family, namely ones with a better moral compass than either of the two of you, and hope and pray that she makes it to her 18th birthday before learning what a gem of a mom she had.

    Thanks for the letter.

    With kind regards,

    Doc Dover

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