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  • advicefromhell 12:00 pm on September 28, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Cannabis, Drugs, , Health, , , Puff the Magic Dragon, Sibling   

    Get Out! 


    Dear Doc,

    My brother, 23, is a college grad living at home with my parents. He works the night shift at a mental health facility — a job he finds unfulfilling, though he has made no motions to improve his situation. He has said he wants to move out, but he cannot afford his own place.
    His girlfriend is unemployed (taking a few classes) and has a drug problem (marijuana), and a few months ago, she decided she is now a resident of my parents’ household. She sleeps over every night, very rarely leaves, and sits in lil’ bro’s room, wearing his clothes, stoned, waiting for him to come home from work. Her mother has even started to leave food in our refrigerator for her (her parents live nearby). She has never asked my parents if this is OK. Really — who does that?
    My mother is very uncomfortable with this unwanted, permanent houseguest. However, she is sympathetic to my brother’s plight as one of the many underpaid, overworked college grads living with parents. I feel this situation is inappropriate, uncomfortable and unhealthy — my mother agrees, but is at a loss as to how to confront my brother and this girl without stomping on his nascent adulthood and causing a huge fight. What on earth should she do??


    Get Out!

    Dear Get Out!,

    First things first, “Who the hell died and made you boss?” Please tell me that you don’t also live with your parents and are just vying for more room or less female competition in the house. If you do, please contact your brother’s employer and have them reserve a room for you there. If he’s content to work with our population’s mentally ill, cut him some slack if he seems to lack the driving motivation to seek a higher paying job.

    Now let’s talk girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. One who is at least attempting to further her own education. One who is happy being with your brother. One who presumably, by way of sleeping over every night, makes your brother happy in return. One who is probably a much-needed respite from the stresses of his job, and from the sound of it, from the stresses of being your brother. If she has had to move in with her boyfriend’s parents, and listen to the likes of you, she probably deserves to Puff the Magic Dragon while relaxing in some comfortable clothes. Her mother is bringing food over so that your family doesn’t incur any additional food costs. That said, you have a house that just anyone can walk into and access your kitchen, and your concern is that the person coming into your home is leaving food behind, as opposed to robbing you blind? Really? Who does that? Someone who understands the plight of a munchie eating daughter, that’s who!

    So your mother is so amazingly uncomfortable with the girlfriend’s presence in the house, despite the fact that she is making her son happy, and is indirectly providing her own food, that she says and does absolutely nothing about it? Why don’t you have your mother grow a pair and speak up or shut up! She wants to confront your brother and his girlfriend, without any actual confrontation? Get in line sweet cheeks! She may have to ruffle a few feathers to get the fox, pun intended, out of her hen-house. Or she could remain weak and play victim to her own daughter in hopes that her daughter will come clean up a mess she’s afraid to take responsibility for. Oh, no, wait, that’s what it sounds like she already did.

    Now let me make some quick pointers for you to consider going forward. “Taking a few classes” doesn’t always allow for full-time or even part-time employment, so shut up about that! Don’t ever use “has a drug problem” in correlation with marijuana. Better yet, why don’t you calm your tight corn hole down and pick up a nice cathartic “drug problem” yourself. The world will thank you. Next, no one, and I mean no one with an I.Q. over 80 uses the phrase, “lil’ bro’s room” in good conscience.

    That said, I’m glad I could help advise you in this sensitive and delicate family matter.

    Good Day Madam!


    Doc Dover

    P.S.  Seriously, go get some Bob Marley records, a bag of weed, and relax. No, seriously…right now!


  • advicefromhell 6:00 pm on June 13, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Great Depression, Health, Heart Attack, Heart disease, Lancet, Myocardial infarction, Prohibition, University College London   

    For Real 


    Dear Doc Dover,

    My conservative, mid-80s grandma literally had a heart attack the day she learned I am gay and marrying my partner. This sounds like sitcom fare, but it isn’t. I know there’s some reason I shouldn’t feel as guilty as everyone is causing me to feel, but I figure you’ll be able to articulate it better than I could.

    Thank you,

    For Real.

    Dear For Real,

    First things first, anyone over age 80 pretty much gets a free pass to do whatever the *fudge* that they want, without repercussions. This is a general unwritten law of our culture. When old people get to a certain age, they generally stop making excuses for being who they are, regardless of whether “who they are” fits nicely in a politically correct package with a cultural sensitivity bow on it or not. They start driving at whatever speed, direction, lane that they feel necessary and expect the rest of the world to say, “Hey, you’ve managed to survive life on this planet without killing yourself, or being killed by someone else this long…go right on ahead and we’ll wait and make room for you.” They start sharing their true feelings about their own family, politics, religion, as well as much too candid word pictures of what is going on within and without their physical bodies and in-depth reviews of the multiple ointments, balms, salves, oils, pastes, and the like that they use to treat them.

    Secondly, and this follows closely with the prior, as old people are…well…OLD, they tend to have several factors that all combine to produce a higher than average probability of having physical things, ie. heart attacks, start to hit them at will. So please don’t think so highly of yourself and your assumed worth to your grandmother as to feel that sharing this one piece of information was such a powerful revelation to her, that it would offset the rhythm of a heart that was strong enough to endure The Great Depression, Prohibition, and WWII.

    Thirdly, are you male or female? If you’re male, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If you’re female, are you what society would deem “attractive?” If you’re not, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If you are what society would deem “attractive,” is your partner equally or more so, “attractive” that is. If your partner is not, skip ahead to the next paragraph. If your partner is also “attractive,” society at large would say that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Point of fact, I have several contemporaries and colleagues who would like to speak with your further about your inclusion, as a couple of course, in a documentary of sorts. They assure me that it would be very high brow, nothing like the artless drivel you’d find in your so named sitcom fare.

    Most of the world’s major religious systems show no love to the gay, lesbian, or otherwise homosexual lifestyle as it were. Barring the specific example mentioned above, and the occasional use as comic relief, our American culture shares this distaste for your lifestyle. That said, if you have no plans of making your way into heaven, paradise, nirvana, or what ever your personal belief system’s “happy place” is after you die, then I wouldn’t sweat it. However if you find yourself on the opposite side of that coin, I would recommend renouncing your so-called “gay” lifestyle, repent for your past failures, and hope that whatever deity that you serve will show mercy on your soul, and send you a very masculine, domineering, husky, burly, woman to call your very own until death do you part.

    I hope that my carefully crafted response has brought solace, or conviction to your troubled heart.

    If you’ve decided to give up on your “gay” thing, Go With God!

    If you’ve decided to stick it out, pardon the pun, Going With God might be very uncomfortable for a very, very, very long time.

    I hope that I was able to articulate it better than you could as you predicted. If not, your odds of being a prophet are looking extremely slim as well.

    Yours in Love, Acceptance, Condemnation, and Hate,

    Doc Ben Dover


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